I’ve got a Hole in My Heart…


Earlier this week, I talked about my real struggle with caffeine addiction. We dove into addiction in general over the past couple of days. Today, I’m giong to get personal. I’m going to share with you my food addiction.

There are three basic types of eating disorders: Anorexia, Bulimia, and Compulsive Overeating. Although I have experienced a brush with anorexia in the distant past, for most of my life I have had a struggle with my compulsion to eat.

Much like other addictions, overeating is not actually about the food.

Food has been a source of comfort.

In reality, it is simply a source of energy.

Food has swept away loneliness, enhanced celebration, and satisfied a deeply aching, unnamed need.

It has resulted in serious obesity and the likelihood of serious health problems. In fact, I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow had a drs appointment yesterday. The only consistent medical care I have sought for the past 10 years has been obstetrical care for my pregnancies. I had some routine visits here and there, but not regular care. I decided in February I needed to do something and made an appointment. I have been living recklessly, not taking care of myself, really becoming unable to fully take care of my family.

And that is changing.

I am 40 years old. I am 100 lbs. overweight. That qualifies as “morbidly obese” which is substantiated by my BMI. I have a family history of diabetes, heart disease, and high blood pressure. I have 2 daughters who are watching what I DO and not just listening to what I say. I have a husband who could stand to use a much healthier wife. As a wife and mother, I have a calling on my life that will continue to be a struggle if I continue to feel “so tired all the time.” This is not just about being skinny.

“Skinny” is not the issue.

It’s my Hole-y Heart.

The one that drives me to seek to fill a deep ache that is only truly filled by my relationship with Jesus. Festering wounds from childhood, adolescence and adulthood have all built upon one another and I have spent many years seeking to fill them in my own way, with the means I had readily available.

And I packed on the pounds. I built a physical barrier that turns people away, that allows me to hide my pain or shame or resentment.

My body is paying for it.

And my family is paying for that.

So I am on a new journey. Although my heart and mind have been turning, there were real numbers on the scale and on the blood pressure cuff at the doctor’s office. New ways of thinking about food and about using food as a FUEL SOURCE rather than a COMFORT SOURCE.

It will not be easy. There are bad habits that have been formed and practiced for well over a decade. I find myself eating without even thinking about it. And eating a LOT. That kind of change requires intention and accountability, and a journey, not a magic pill.

I’ve been inspired most recently by the Plus Size Bloggers Club and my favorite, Plus Size Gal. While I am not officially participating in their tracking, I know that accountability is a huge factor to my success.

I am scared to death.

I’m laying it out here – in writing – for “the world” to see. It’s not just a goal to lose 5 lbs a month. It is not about following the latest diet or eating plan. I have to find GOOD HEALTH and become a GOOD STEWARD of all of the blessings God has given me. While I’m starting off with a banged up ankle that won’t be able to take much activity, I am still going to find ways to change my thinking and my eating habits, and rather than keeping that internal (where I can continue to hide and stay secret), I’m going to process it here.

Although my blood pressure was perfect (yay!), my weight was not. The doctor took some bloodwork so I’ll be waiting to see what she tested and what the results here. Regardless, I will be sharing information here and tracking my journey. Feel free to ask me if I haven’t written about it for awhile. Feel free to challenge me when I resort to “It’s okay that I had a huge sweet treat every day this week” kind of thinking. You don’t have to – you aren’t required to – but feel free to if you want… This is MY life and MY journey. If you choose to cheer me on – thank you.

Photo: Photos8.com